#codependent trauma buddies

[theonceandfuturequeenoftarts]

Harry doesn’t handle it very well, the first day he and Voldemort spend apart.

When he wakes that morning, Voldemort is up and putting on robes much more elegant than any he’s worn since their capture. He’s going to meet with his Death Eaters – he says as much, but Harry had already guessed. No need to dress up and stand on ceremony with someone who’s seen you piss in a bucket.

Harry follows him silently to the library Floo. Voldemort grabs a handful of powder and looks as though he will leave just like that, but at the last minute he goes still.

Facing away from Harry, voice neutral and even, he says, “I will return.”

Harry nods, then makes some vague sound of assent when he realises Voldemort can’t see him. And then the Dark Lord is gone.

He should do one of the many things he’d thought of doing while they were in that cell. Write to Ron and Hermione or other friends and Order members. Go outside and enjoy the sunshine (well, what sunshine there is on a grey autumn day) and fresh air. Eat and drink whatever and as much as he likes.

He drops into a nearby chair and stares at the empty fireplace, hugging his legs to his chest.

*

It’s fine, he’s fine, Voldemort’s probably fine.

Probably.

Harry tries to remind himself that he’d known whenever Voldemort was being tortured – he could feel echoes through their connection. He would know if something was wrong. The only things he can feel through the bond are mild irritation (which Harry, having dealt with the Death Eaters before, can fully understand) and satisfaction (Nagini, his mind whispers).

Nothing to worry about there.

Harry starts plucking at the chair’s upholstery.

*

When Voldemort returns later that afternoon, he nearly trips over Harry as he exits the fireplace. 

To save the chair from his anxious destruction, Harry had eventually trekked to the kitchen and baked enough bread to feed an army. Channelling his stress into the dough had helped keep him somewhat calm, but he’s pretty sure he overworked a few loaves. That had occupied a few hours, but he’d been too wound up to eat anything, so he’d returned empty-stomached to the library to wait. 

And that’s where Voldemort finds him, seated on the hearth, dusted with flour and soot, halfheartedly pretending to read a book and about ready to storm Malfoy Manor or wherever the Death Eaters gather to make sure the Dark Lord is all right. 

Which – Harry squints up at him consideringly – he is. 

The look on Voldemort’s face is… actually quite funny, were Harry not as strung out as an addict kept from their substance of choice. He’d be more upset about that if Voldemort didn’t look as though their separation had strained him, too. 

“Welcome back,” Harry says as he dusts himself off. Might as well sweep the past few hours of losing his mind under the rug and ignore their many, many issues – they’ll be there whenever he’s forced to confront them.

Voldemort is on board for pretending they’re functioning human beings, thankfully. “I’ve brought Nagini.”

And so he has. The four-metre long snake, wrapped around the older man’s torso, peeks her head up from his shoulder at her name.

Harry only hopes his words come out in Parseltongue. “Hello there.”

She rears back slightly, apparently not expecting him to speak her language. “Hatchling. Master says I’m not to eat you anymore.”

“How kind of him,” he says dryly. She hisses in agreement, not catching the sarcasm. 

Voldemort unwinds her and sets her on the floor next to Harry. “I’ll leave you two to become acquainted,” he says as he heads towards the library door. “No biting.”

“You would bite Nagini?” she asks warily, coiling away from him. Dammit, Voldemort.

“I wouldn’t dare,” he attempts to reassure. “Your scales are, uh, much too beautiful for me to want to damage them.”

Appeased, she wriggles proudly. “Aren’t they?”

She shifts closer to him, butting her head into his hand. “You should express more appreciation for Nagini’s beautiful scales.”

He’s not entirely sure, but he thinks the giant murder snake is telling him to pet her. He rubs gently along Nagini’s chin and body, drawing contented noises from her. He murmurs some nonsense about how lovely her colouring is and she somehow manoeuvres the majority of her body into his lap and around him, praising him for his warmth. It’s, unexpectedly, really nice.

“Why,” Voldemort calls from the doorway, sounding just the tiniest bit perplexed. “Are there two dozen loaves of bread?”

Whoops.

(A long, hard road)

[inadvisablebutinevitable]

the way that Andrew and Neil and Jean all have this incredibly intense codependent relationship with Kevin that’s based off of mutual trauma or binding promises, and then there’s just Jeremy who’s like… “Kevin is my buddy! 😁 We text! 🤗 Kevin you crazy fool! 😜

[vladdyissues]

i have been thinking about half-ghosts not aging past a certain point again. have you considered Vlad posing as his own heir by just shaving off his facial hair, dying his hair, leaving out the hair product and wearing (blech) hoodies?

... i... might have an AU brewing about it

-it's the perfect excuse for college pompep without aging Vlad down--he's just posing as his own kid, the total smartass, and he made sure he's roommates with the only other student who will understand--

-it's danny. the punchline is they were roommates

-turns out danny's a much more agreeable roommate than Jack was

-and they're both in engineering

-and it's far easier to just shadow Daniel than try to interact with the student body on a real level, given his many, many secrets

-unintended side effect, fucking EVERYONE thinks they're dating, especially when they talk discreetly about ghost nonsense. they sound EXACTLY like closeted queer kids sneaking around their families

-they do, in fact, end up dating, but they kinda start it by accident, realize it partway in, and by then it's too fucking late, Danny, Vlad has tasted a stable relationship and he will not be unhooking his claws willingly, ever

-Danny wishes he could get more upset by that

-living in a dorm together where the dorm is the only place they can use their powers freely kinda speedruns codependence. by their second semester they're coordinating classes to better cover each other

-Vlad honestly only planned to stay long enough other students remembered Vlad Masters II attending and then falsifying records for the rest of it, but this is actually turning out to be the college experience he wishes he'd had the first time--confident enough to turn down the attention of idiots, roommate who actually understands him and matches the energy, will never be photographed with a mullet, and so many other good things

-Danny, meanwhile, finds himself wanting vlad around so he can sneak out and do ghost stuff avoid having having to sneak around a stranger.

-also, they keep encouraging each other's gremlin tendencies. imagine Eye For an Eye except they're on the same side against assorted jerks

-(jack is thrilled. danny and his best buddy's kid, getting along so well--it's like looking back through time. except little Vlady here has much better hair and a way less whiny voice than Vlad Sr had back then.)

-(yes he does say this in front of Vlad.)

Oh my god I LOVE THIS

✅ Vlad healing from his past college trauma and making new happy memories

✅ #They Were Roommates

✅ Ambiguous relationship leading to Catching Feelings™

✅ Vlad debuting a hip new look

✅ Danny helping Vlad with his slang and bring him up to date with current pop culture trends of the 18-25 male demographic

✅ Dorm wars and Other College Shenanigans (and Veteran Vlad helping Danny survive his freshman year)

✅ Danny lowkey kind of missing Vlad's long hair and goatee—WHO SAID THAT

[mazzystar24]

Being a psychology nerd and engaging in fandom actually makes my eye twitch sometimes because terms are constantly being used wrong to diss people or characters and also people will act like they know every experience a mentally ill person can have just based off a small sample of what they’ve seen and they’ll use that to disregard storylines or people’s opinions or spec

So some things guys that may be an unintentional call out or reassurance for your spec:

Hallucinations CAN be auditory and visual simultaneously (multi modal it can even be tactile, somatic olfactory or gustatory) and there is actually a very high prevalence of this in a lot of disorders and are actually thought to occur more frequently than unimodal hallucinations, and yes it can be in the form of full blown conversations with people that aren’t there and they can be extremely elaborate and complex especially if paired with delusions- so yes the possibility that Kim is a hallucination and we are just seeing it from Eddie’s pov is valid spec so stop being dismissive to people

Also for my brain tumour truthers- a brain tumour is a little complicated when it comes to hallucinations cos it really depends where the tumour is and what regions are effected because for example an occipital lobe tumour is more likely to just cause visual hallucinations- but multimodal hallucinations due to a brain tumour is also possible, a brain tumour also comes with other symptoms too but a lot can be consistent with the spec like for example impulsivity or disinhibition, delusions, aggression (if the buddie divorce is true that works), anxiety, depression, etc.

Trauma bonding is something that occurs in ABUSIVE situations where you start to feel sympathy and love for your abuser it’s not when people bond over trauma - so no what buck and Eddie or buck and Chris have is very much not a trauma bond

Gaslighting isn’t just lying to someone it’s intentionally manipulating them to the extent that they doubt their own sanity (the term coming from a play turned movie where a husband drives his wife crazy by like screwing with the gas lights in their house when she’s alone to make her doubt her memory and her perception of reality) - so no Eddie is not GASLIGHTING buck when he lies to him 😭😭

Codependency is also just not what Eddie and buck have, they don’t base their entire lives on each other and they don’t like have an unhealthy dynamic or have an imbalanced relationship, now yes they both had times when they needed the other to be there for them or help them through stuff or aid their self worth but overall they more so just want to be around each other not that they NEED to and they work on themselves separately like going to therapy by themselves while also supporting eachother by helping out while they do that

[motziedapul]

I didn't submit propaganda for the ACAB sexy podcast character vote for Donner and Murphy

but I do wanna talk about how if you like unhealthily codependent buddy cops where one has held onto unrequited feelings for over a decade and has a nasty case of self worth issues (the issues being that he doesn't have any) and has hidden these feelings under a veneer of an unending Hot Gay Summer and quippy, charming flirtation so he can pretend he doesn't hate himself

While the other has been holding onto the trauma of losing his first boy crush to a horrific supernatural event that's made him unable to emotionally open up beyond buddy cop levels of friendship for 24 years of his life as he continues his lifelong crusade to find answers to supernatural murders across the city

Then listen to Hi Nay 🫶🏾 we're only on the tip of the iceberg of how messy these two are gonna be 🙂‍↕️🏳️‍🌈

[mischievouslittlecreature]

Part 26: Do You Love Me

Summary: Lucy comes home.

Word Count: 7,411

Warnings: Sexual content, trauma around finding a loved one attempting suicide, suicidal thoughts, codependency, insecurity, past suicide attempt, and references to pregnancy.

Previous Chapter • Series • Fic • Next Chapter

Chapter 19: Home is Here with Me

Lucy fought the urge to fiddle with her fingers or the edges of the bandages still wrapped around her wrists, watching Arrow House slowly draw in closer, the car bumping along the drive. Beside her, Tommy reached over and took one of her hands in his, thumb stroking over her knuckles.  

The car finally pulled up beside the front doors. Tommy stepped out first, a stabilizing hand held out to her as she climbed out after him. Her strength had steadily been returning over the days she’d spent in the hospital, but she was still a little unsteady on her feet sometimes. 

Frances was there to greet them at the doors and take their coats. She smiled kindly at Lucy, informing Tommy of the arrangements made for dinner before leaving them be. 

Lucy wrang her hands together, looking around the big entryway. Nothing seemed to have changed from the last time she had been there, but it all still felt oddly foreign. It was strange to be back. Especially after she had been so sure that she never would be. 

The house seemed even quieter than usual. Echoing with emptiness. Lizzie and the kids weren’t there, and the silence that their lack of presence wrought was deafening. 

That was, until the skidding sounds of approaching nails on the floor sounded, and then Shadow came bounding into view. He practically charged at her, tail wagging furiously, rubbing and bumping against her legs. 

“Hey, buddy,” she let out a breathless laugh, stroking his soft black fur. Shadow's tongue lolled from his mouth, half raising up onto his hind legs to try to lick her face.

Just as he was starting to calm, merely nuzzling at her palm, there was a soft meow, and Trouble came prancing into view, her little paws not making even the slightest sound as she jogged towards Lucy to rub against her legs with a loud purr.   

“Hey, babies.” Lucy bent to give them each scratches behind the ears. She was distantly aware of Tommy coming up behind her, reaching out a hand to the animals. Shadow let him stroke his big black head happily, but Trouble promptly stuck up her nose and dodged his attempts to pet her, trying to bat at him with one of her paws before he managed to pull his hand away in time. 

“She’s been cross with me since you left,” he explained with a soft huff of amusement. 

“Troubs, come here,” she coaxed the cat towards her. “Now that wasn’t very nice, was it? I told you that you were to take care of your daddy when I left.”

Trouble just looked up at her and meowed, tail flicking. Lucy rolled her eyes. Children. 

“Dinner will be ready in about an hour.” Tommy turned to fix his gaze on Lucy. “What do you want to do? We could just go up and rest, or we could take Shadow out, or play a game in the library–”

“Actually, I…” she paused, well aware that what she was about to say may very likely– and justifiably–not be taken all that well. “I’d like to wash the hospital smell off of me.”

Tommy went still, a bit of the color going out in his cheeks. 

“I promise that I’m not going to…” she trailed off, biting her lip. He had every right to be wary and jumpy when it came to that topic. But, she had to bathe sometime. “You can sit with me, if you’d like.”

He relaxed a little at the suggestion, but still eyed her nervously. “If you’re sure that’s alright…” She could see him at war with himself; wanting to respect her space but scared to leave her out of his sight for too long should he run the risk of losing her. 

“Yes, it’s alright.”

��Bath it is, then.” Taking her hand, he led the way to the stairs, Shadow trailing behind them. 

“Tommy, this isn’t the way to my room.” She pulled him to a stop when he turned right at the top of the stairs rather than left, jerking slightly where their hands were still joined. Tommy looked over his shoulder, lips pulling up a little at the corners. 

“It is now.”

“What…?”

“Come on,” he gave her a light, almost playful tug, pulling her back into movement down the hallway. They passed Lizzie, Charlie, and Ruby’s rooms and a few more doors before Tommy came to a stop at one near the end of the hall, fumbling with the knob. “Here,” he moved back, holding the door open to let her in first. 

The room was bigger than the one she’d previously been staying in, with larger windows and significantly more space between the furnishings. It didn’t seem so cramped and dark. All of her things had been moved into the room, even the portraits on the walls.   

“You should get more light during the day.” Tommy was standing by the door, fiddling with his cigarette case. “And you’ll be closer to everyone.”

She stepped deeper inside, examining the view out the window of the front drive.  

Tommy shifted from foot to foot, nervous. “If you don’t like it, we can move you to somewhere else…”

“I like it.” She looked back at him, and he smiled at her softly, gesturing with his head towards the door to his left. 

“Washroom is in there.”

While she went to investigate, she could hear him ushering Shadow and Trouble in before closing the door to the bedroom, encouraging them to lay down in their respective beds. Listening to him talk to the dog and cat made a semblance of a smile pull at her lips. 

Going to the bathtub, she twisted the knobs, testing the water with her fingers before putting the plug in place. Straightening, she watched the water slowly rise, a cold shiver going down her spine at the memory of the last time she’d done this.

“You alright?” Tommy asked from the doorway. 

“Yeah.” With shaky hands, she started to unbutton her shirt. 

She could feel his eyes burning into her as she undressed. Another shiver went down her spine, this time for completely different reasons. This was the first time that he’d seen her naked since she’d moved out. 

He pulled up a chair to sit beside the tub after she got in. Lucy let her eyes slide closed, head tipped back against the rim of the tub, arms dangling over the sides to keep her bandages from getting wet. Movements careful to avoid accidentally tugging on the red strands, Tommy set to work washing her hair for her. His stocky fingers felt nice against her scalp. Warm and big and gentle.  

It was nice to be looked after and doted on. And he had been right, when he said that she needed him. Much as she tried to hide it. 

I’m so fucking selfish. Here they were, in the midst of planning what was perhaps the most high stakes strategy in the gang’s history, and she was off monopolizing all his attention.

“Dip,” Tommy’s voice, soft and low, interrupted her thoughts. She did as instructed, dipping her head back into the water so he could rinse the soap from her hair. 

His declarations of love while in the hospital had begun to stitch the broken pieces of her heart back together. But the wounds that had left it broken in the first place were still raw. Still tender and healing. She expected that they would continue to ache for a while. 

“Tommy?” she asked once her head was lifted from the water.

“Hm?”

“Was moving me to a new room your idea?”

One side of his lips quirked up. “Actually it was Lizzie’s.”

She felt her brows crease at the revelation. A part of her felt horribly bad for agreeing to return to Arrow House before actually talking to Lizzie about it first. But Tommy had simply been too persuasive. She couldn’t say no to him anymore. Not when he was begging her to come home. And especially not after it became clear how much pain she’d caused him by leaving. 

She couldn’t keep hurting him like that. 

Overall, she was feeling much better than she had been. It was almost like a fog had lifted from her mind and she could finally think clearly again. But there were still a few hitches, here and there. A few things were still bothering her. 

“Are you in love with her?” The question burned on the way out, but it needed to be asked before they could move fully forward. She needed to know what she was stepping back into. 

Tommy froze. “No. I’m not.”

She felt awful for the little sigh of relief that left her at that.

He leaned forward, wrapping his arms around her. He’d pushed up his shirt sleeves to his elbows to keep them from getting wet. Warm lips pressed to her neck. “I told you that I love you.”

“You can love more than one person at a time.” With a sigh, she pushed at the water in the tub, watching the way that it rippled. “I still can’t help but feel that if it weren’t for me–”

“I still wouldn’t fucking love her.” He wasn’t shouting, but his voice was firm. Definitive. “We’re not…good together, Lucy. You ought to know that better than anyone with how much you’ve seen of us together.” He blew out a deep breath. “It’s no one’s fault. Not hers. Not mine. And certainly not yours.” 

She was trying so hard to believe him. She was so fucking tired of feeling so guilty all the time. She just wanted to let it go. To let herself be happy. Didn’t she deserve that, after all the pain that she’d been through? 

As if reading her mind, Tommy turned her face to look at him. Concern shown brightly in his eyes. “You have to stop punishing yourself, love.”

A little sob left her throat. “I don’t think that I know how.”

His face softened. “I’ll help you. Eh? Just talk to me. Tell me where you’re feeling guilty. Let me help you carry it.”

“I can’t ask that of you–” He already carried so much guilt inside him. She could not possibly ask that he shoulder hers as well. 

“I can take it. We help each other, remember? That’s what we do. So let me help you, sweetheart.” 

She sniffled, chest spasming, reaching up to cradle the back of his head, bringing his forehead to rest on hers. “I’ll try.”

“That’s all I’m asking, love.” His hand stroked through her damp hair. “But…you know, if it really is too much to take, I can still divorce her…”

Lucy sighed. “And take a hatchet to your reputation in the process? No, Tommy. She’s too important.”

“So are you.”

“She’s the mother of your children. For that alone, she will always be more important than I am.”

“But I love you.” His expression was baffled. “I love you. Not her. Doesn’t that count for something?”

“Of course it does. I just…” she slammed her eyes shut, realizing that she was teetering dangerously close to spiraling again. “I just don’t want you to throw away everything else in your life for me.”

“I know. And thank you for that, love. Really. But understand that if I have to choose…” he sighed. “She doesn’t have a chance.” He smoothed some of her hair back. “I can’t be happy without you. She’s not more important than you. She never will be.”

Taking hold of his hand, she raised it to her lips, pressing kisses to each of his fingertips. When she was done, he stroked the back of his knuckles across her cheek. 

“I need to talk to her.”

He frowned, protectiveness flaring up in his eyes.

“If I am going to come back to live here, I need to know that she really is okay with it.”

“She told me to bring you home.”

“I know. But…you know what she can be like.”

“Yeah.” He wiped a hand down his face. “I really do think that she’s started to accept things, love. For real, this time.”

“We can only hope, eh?”

“And I’m not putting up with anymore of the shit with her taking swipes at you, or being cruel towards you, or trying to make deals that fuck you over. I’ve been too lenient on her about it.” He shot her a look of regret. “I’m sorry.”

Lucy frowned. “You’ve never failed to tell her off when she’s been unpleasant towards me. What else can you do? Put her in a timeout?”

“Maybe. If she insists on continuing to act like a child.” The look in his eyes had turned stubborn. The kind of stubborn that meant it would be more likely to get the earth to start spinning in the opposite direction than to get him to change his mind. “I’m not letting her get away with that shit anymore.”

Lucy reached out to touch his face, tilting her head up to brush their lips together. “Thank you for protecting me.”

“Always.” He turned his head to give her neck a little kiss. “Come on, let’s get you out of there before you start to prune.”

He let her hold onto him for stability as she stepped out of the tub, then immediately helped towel her off and swaddled her in a big, comfy robe, looking her up and down to make sure she was warm and comfortable. While he tended to draining the tub and putting the soaps away, she went to get dressed. 

Dinner was a quiet, simple affair. They sat at the dining table, eating the steak, potatoes, and vegetables that the chef served them. 

Tommy told her about a new horse he was thinking of offering a home to at the mansion’s stables. The poor thing was a racehorse who had suffered an injury on the track and had to be retired early. A white, sweet, even-tempered if shy stallion, intelligent enough to have caused his previous owner some trouble here and there. 

Lucy thought it was an absolutely splendid idea. 

“Are you sure that you’re feeling okay?” he asked, while they were out taking Shadow and Cyril for a brief walk around the grounds before they turned in for the night. Lucy wasn’t all that surprised at the question. She’d probably spooked him a little with all her talk whilst in the bath. 

“It…all feels really…raw, still. But…” she worried at her lower lip. “I think so.”

His arm had found its way back around her at some point while they walked, palm rubbing soothingly up and down her bicep. The warmth from his touch made her feel comfy and drowsy. 

“Let’s go to bed,” Tommy said softly in her ear when he noticed her yawning.

They went inside and took the dogs off their leads. Cyril lumbered away, probably to go sleep in Charlie’s room. Shadow followed them to theirs. 

Tucked into one corner of the room, where she hadn’t noticed them before, were her suitcases filled with her things from Charlie’s. 

“Lizzie picked them up when she went by to get Shadow,” Tommy explained at her quizzical look. 

She pulled one up onto the bed, opened it, and immediately felt her face turn approximately the same shade as her hair. Tommy looked down into her suitcase, brows furrowing, and then his face broke into a delighted, smug grin. 

“Ah. So that’s where all of my Henley’s went.”

Shit. She’d forgotten about them. 

“They…they’re soft,” she defended. “And…” Tommy raised an eyebrow. She fumbled with her rings, suddenly bashful, voice quiet. “They smell like you.”

After a few wears of the first henley she’d nabbed when she left Arrow House, the scent of him started to fade away. So she’d snagged another while they were staying at the London apartment one night. And then another. And another. She always meant to start switching them out, but she kept forgetting them at the yard. 

She looked at the little mountain of white shirts sitting in her suitcase, shifting from foot to foot and feeling her embarrassment burn from her ears all the way down to her toes. 

“It’s pathetic, I know–”

“I sprayed your perfume around our room every night and on your pillow after the scent in the sheets started to fade.”

She felt her lips twitch upwards at the revelation. It was oddly sweet; to know that he’d missed her that much.

Neither of them spoke as they got changed. Though she did aim a light swat at him when he snickered as she slipped into one of the several henley’s she’d stolen. When she turned around after depositing her clothes into the hamper, it was to find Tommy shirtless, unbuckling his belt with one hand while running the other through his hair. She felt her throat go instantly dry, a little pulse starting to ache in her core. His muscles flexed as he pushed down his trousers to leave him in just his white underwear. 

She quickly looked away. Before he could catch her staring. 

She was far too tired and emotionally drained for sex. But still…

She’d fucking missed him. 

The doctors had ordered her to take it easy, at least until the stitches came out. Taking into account how long it had been, she was pretty sure that once she and Tommy started fucking again, they weren’t going to be stopping for a good long while. 

They’d have to restrain themselves. Just for a little while longer. Maybe a week or two. 

Crawling into bed, she hummed contentedly at the soft mattress, snuggling down into the pillows. A moment later, Tommy sat down on the edge of the bed beside her. Still in just his underwear and nothing else. Because apparently he liked to test her self control. 

“Is this okay?” he asked, large hand resting on her thigh over the blankets, gaze darting to the space next to her on the bed. 

Lucy nodded, wrapping her hand around his wrist and giving him a little tug. “Yes.” 

He sank in beside her eagerly, immediately hooking an arm around her waist and pulling her to lay her head on his chest. She tangled her legs with his without even thinking, simply running on instinct as she settled into him, letting him snuggle against her. 

“Fuck, I missed this,” Tommy whispered, face pressing into her hair and inhaling deeply. The smattering of hair on his chest tickled her cheek, and she caught herself breathing in his exquisite scent of cologne, smoke, and pine.

“Mm,” she hummed unconsciously in agreement, letting herself get lost in the feeling of being held by him. 

She had almost forgotten how good it felt to be squished against his firm muscle. How safe. It had been so long since they last laid beside each other in bed. The warmth from his torso seeped into her, the steady stroke of his fingers at the nape of her neck helping to lull her. 

“Tommy?”

“Yeah, baby?”

She swallowed. Just two more things. There were just two more things that she needed to ask him. And then she could rest. 

“Tell me you weren’t choosing her over me that night you made that deal with her.”

She felt the muscles in his chest go stiff. And then he was using a finger to tilt her head up to meet his gaze. In the dark, his blue eyes were even more piercing. 

“Of course not. I can see why you’d think that. But I swear, that wasn’t what it was. I was just being drunk and stupid.”

She nodded, but he must have sensed that he had not wholly convinced her, because he persisted. 

“I’d never put her before you. I don’t care if that makes me an awful person or not. You’re my priority. Always.”

“You said you were going to kill Mosley for her.”

His brows pulled in. “I what?”

She nodded. “The day that the opium shipment came into the yard. You told Arthur that you had other strategies in mind for dealing with Mosley. But he’d spoken badly to Lizzie, and that was why you had decided to kill him.”

Tommy was quiet for a moment, processing. “I did say that, didn’t I?” He cleared his throat. “Right. Listen. There’s something that I didn’t tell you. Because we weren’t really talking much after it happened, and I didn’t want to worry you or push you away anymore than I already had.”

A foreboding chill washed over her. “What is it?”

“Mosley threatened to kill you.”

She stared at him, mouth slightly open. “He what?”

Tommy nodded. “He said I was to sack you or marry you off to someone else, or he would have you killed. That was why. I didn’t…I wasn’t going to tell Arthur that. I wasn’t going to tell anyone.”

“Oh.”

“He was rude to Lizzie. And I’m annoyed about that. But I didn’t decide to kill him until after he threatened you.”

She nodded slowly. “I have to tell you something.” He was being open and honest with her, and it felt only right that she do the same. “But you have to promise not to completely fly off the handle.”

Tommy’s brow rose. She looked at him expectantly and he huffed. “Alright. I promise. What is it?”

“During Lizzie’s birthday party, I escorted Mosley to your office. I told you that he just touched my hair and made a lewd remark?”

“I remember.”

“That wasn’t…all that happened. He, erm. He grabbed my breast.”

Tommy was silent for a long time, just staring at her. “What.” It wasn’t so much a question as a statement. Lucy could hear thunder brewing in his voice. 

“Yeah. He…he touched my hair, and then he grabbed my right breast. I had bruises from his fingers the next day.”

Both of Tommy’s hands flew up to touch her face, stroking her hair out of the way. Fury was still apparent across his features. But she could see horror there as well. 

“You should have told me,” he said quietly.

“I know. You’re right. I should have.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

“He didn’t do anything else?”

“No. He suggested that we could…you know…” she felt Tommy’s grip on her tighten a little. “But I told him no and got out of there right after he grabbed me.”

Tommy’s lips smacked together. She could see him thinking hard behind his big blue orbs. She poked him in the chest. 

“What are you thinking?”

“I’m trying to figure out if it’s too late to change our plans for him to something more…bloody.”

“You promised you wouldn’t fly off the handle!”

“Oh, believe me, love, that is tame for what I really want to do to him.”

She huffed out a laugh equal parts fond and exasperated, dropping her head to press a kiss to the center of his chest. Wrapping both arms around him, she snuggled back into his body. Tommy petted and kissed her head. 

“You’re sure you’re alright?”

“I’m sure.”

He pulled her closer, grip tightening protectively. “I won’t let him hurt you,” he growled. “He will never touch you again.”

Lucy stroked her fingertips across his ribs. “Thank you.” She nestled down into him. He was so warm. Like her own personal little furnace.  

“Go to sleep, sweetheart,” he said softly, kissing her hairline and wrapping himself a little tighter around her. Exhaustion was rushing up to meet her, leaving her with little energy to do more than nod and let her eyes flutter closed, drifting off with his warm touch all around her.  

∗ ∗ ∗

Tommy stirred, letting out a soft groan as wakefulness snuck upon him sluggishly. His body felt heavy and relaxed, comfortable against the mattress and warm under the blankets. Eyes cracking open to stare at the canopy, he grunted at the realization that it was still the middle of the night; no sunlight yet filtering in through the curtains. He turned, stretching as he did, burying his face half into the pillow, fully intending to fall back to sleep. Arm shifting, he reached out across the mattress. 

The space next to him was empty. 

Immediately his eyes snapped open, sitting bolt upright, all residual drowsiness leaving him in seconds. 

Further investigation only further confirmed that Lucy was not in the bed with him, nor anywhere else in the room. His gaze darted around frantically, squinting through the darkness at the armchair and the windowsill to see if she was seated at either. Nothing. 

The door to the washroom was closed. 

Panic flooded over him in a massive tidal wave, sucking him in and out to sea with nothing to keep himself afloat. His heart leapt into his throat, breaths hitching, dread spreading through his veins.

No, no, no, no, no, not again, Lucy!

He scrambled out of the bed, almost falling over himself when his legs got tangled in the sheets. Imaginings of opening the door to find her laid out in the bathtub again danced across his mind. Her blood overflowing the white porcelain to drip out onto the floor, her head lolled back, hair as crimson as her blood hanging down, her eyes closed, never to open again because this time he was too late and now he’d lost her forever. 

He practically hurled himself at the door, hand just closing around the knob when it opened and he nearly crashed into her. 

“Lucy–” he choked out, throat too constricted with panic to manage anything more. 

She looked up at him with wide eyes, blinking hugely. 

For a moment, all they could do was stare at each other. 

“I, erm,” Lucy spoke first, “I had to use the loo.”

Tommy blinked slowly, processing, realizing that he could still hear the sounds of the toilet running in the washroom behind her.  “Oh.” A relieved breath left his lungs, some of the panic draining from him. 

She looked at him guiltily. “‘M sorry. I didn’t want to wake you.”

She kept looking at him like that, ever since she woke up in the hospital. Like she felt truly horrendous for what she’d done. The expression made his heart twist. As if she had anything to actually be sorry for when it was his boneheadness that threw them into this whole mess in the first place.  

“It’s okay. I just…I woke up and you weren’t there.” He must have been even more tired than he originally thought for her to be able to sneak out of bed without him noticing. Normally he slept so lightly that even the smallest of noises or twitches from her was enough to have him springing awake.

“I’m sorry,” Lucy said again, wrapping her arms around herself. Tommy shook his head, reaching out to her, grateful when she let him pull her into his arms. Touching her helped to soothe his still pricked nerves. 

“Don’t apologize,” he said, pressing his lips to the bare skin of her shoulder. “Let’s go back to bed.”

She let him guide her back over to the mattress, laying down and settling her head in its spot on his chest. Tommy could have cried at the feeling of her nestled safely back in his arms. It felt so right having her there. As if the missing piece of his heart had been returned to its right place. 

“It’s not that I don’t trust you…” The last thing he wanted was for her to think that he didn’t have faith in her. He just worried, that was all. 

“I know.”

“C’mere,” he said, even though she was already pressed so close to him that he could feel her heart beating against her ribs. One of her arms slipped around his waist as he drew her tighter against him, burying her face in between his pecs while he stroked her hair. “Comfortable?”

She nodded wordlessly, and he had to suppress a smile to himself. She was far too cute for her own good. 

He was half tempted to roll her over onto her back, slot his hips between her thighs, and…

No, no. She needed to rest. 

There would be plenty of time for love making later. 

He watched over her as she drifted off, growing heavier in his arms until her body fully relaxed.

His gaze shifted to the white bandages still wrapped around her wrists, and the guilt he had momentarily forgotten boiled back up. 

She seemed to be doing okay. And at least she was talking to him again. Giving him chances to explain where she had misinterpreted him. So long as she kept coming to him with her insecurities, he could help her. He could set them straight.

But were most of her insecurities not a result of his fuckups? If he hadn’t gotten Lizzie pregnant, if he hadn’t married her, then none of this would have happened. Lucy wouldn’t be so depressed and doubting her self worth at every turn. If he’d been a good lover to her, she never would have fallen into such a dark pit of despair. 

There had once been a time when he had vowed that, despite knowing he could never deserve her, that he would try to. He would always love her, and treat her well, and cherish her as long as he had her. 

How badly he had fucked that all up. 

She would be so much better off without him. They all would. Maybe, she’d even stand a chance at being happy. 

At the end of the day, that was all he ever wanted for his Lucy. For her to be happy. 

He’d hurt her. Deeply. It didn’t matter that it wasn’t intentional. He’d broken her heart. That was something he would never, ever, be able to forgive himself for. 

∗ ∗ ∗ 

He knew that he was hovering, but he didn’t really care. When Lucy was out of his sight, even for a few minutes, he found himself growing anxious, memories of finding her in the bathtub, of the weight of her limp, almost-dead body in his arms, dancing through his mind. So he stuck to her like glue, keeping near her as often as he could. 

She didn’t seem to really mind, thankfully. If anything he suspected that she was secretly enjoying the attention. Considering how lacking of it she had been until recently, he supposed that it shouldn’t be all that surprising. 

He flinched with guilt at the reminder of how shitty of a lover he’d been to her.

After Lizzie returned home with the kids, he’d been on his guard, but as promised Lizzie had remained on her best behavior, giving them space and allowing ample time for Charlie and Ruby to spend with Lucy. 

Both kids were ecstatic to have her back home. It was good to see, especially considering he knew that Lucy often fretted over what they thought of her. He hoped their reaction to having her back would put at least some of those worries to bed. They loved her. She was their other mom. 

“Tommy?”

“Hm?” He was lounging on a couch in the drawing room, reading the newspaper and sipping a glass of whiskey while Lucy dozed with her head in his lap. He looked up at Lizzie where she stood in the doorway with a raised eyebrow. 

“There’s a gentleman named Mr. Harken here to see you.”

He frowned, then felt his features smooth into dismay and exasperation when he remembered. “Shit.”

“What?”

“I’m supposed to have a meeting with him about the foundation today.”

“You didn’t reschedule it?”

“I forgot.”

Lizzie rang her hands together. “I can send him away, if you’d like…”

He pulled his glasses off and rubbed at his face. It had been an ordeal to get on Harken’s schedule at all. If he canceled, he would have to wait months before seeing him again. If he managed to even get another meeting with him. Harken was known for being fickle, and rudely canceling an appointment when he’d already driven out all this way was unlikely to endear him towards Tommy. 

He looked down at Lucy still slumbering in his lap. The thought of leaving her alone for a prolonged period of time made his throat close up. 

“I can stay with her.” Lizzie took a cautious step into the room. Tommy shot her a wary, suspicious look, and she held up her hands. “I promise I’ll be nice.”

He looked her up and down, weighing his options in his head, then glanced back at Lucy. Shadow was laying on the floor by their feet, and Trouble was curled up against her side.

“I won’t be long,” he said, both a promise and a warning. Lizzie nodded, going to sit in one of the armchairs across from the couch.

“We’ll be here.”

He eyed her for one final moment before carefully maneuvering Lucy’s head from his lap without waking her, resting a cushion under her cheek instead. She stirred only slightly when he pressed a quick kiss to her cheek. Shadow lifted his head as Tommy stepped around him, and he gave the dog a scratch behind the ear while he passed. 

You keep an eye on her for me, eh, boy?

The dog’s tail thumped against the rug, and Tommy half wondered if he really was able to read his mind. 

With each step further away from Lucy, his anxiousness grew, fingers slipping into his pocket to procure his cigarette case as he stepped out the door.

He’d make this quick as he could. She might not even be awake by the time he got back. 

∗ ∗ ∗ 

When Lucy opened her eyes, the first thing she noted was that she was considerably less comfortable and warm than when she’d fallen asleep. Instead of resting on Tommy’s thighs, her head was tucked on top of a pillow, laying on her side on the couch with a blanket laid over her and Trouble curled up against her stomach, purring.   

The second thing was that Lizzie was sitting in the armchair across from her. 

Wincing at some stiff pain in her shoulders–she really ought to know better than to try to nap anywhere that wasn’t her bed–Lucy sat up, rolling her neck to try to encourage her muscles to loosen. Trouble meowed at the movement, standing, stretching, and promptly settling herself into her lap. She gave the cat a few scratches under the chin, noting the way that Trouble eyed Lizzie suspiciously, the tip of her tail flicking back and forth. 

My own little protector, she thought fondly. 

“Did you sleep alright?” Lizzie asked, setting aside the magazine she’d been reading. Lucy shrugged noncommittally. 

“Where’s Tommy?”

“He had a meeting that he forgot to cancel. Something about the foundation with a man named Mr. Harken. He’ll be back soon.”

“Oh.”

She focused her attention on the cat in her lap, stroking her soft fur to try to help calm the nerves that sprang up at being alone with Lizzie. She could feel the other woman watching her, shifting back and forth in her chair. Awkwardness permeated throughout the room. 

“I’m sorry that I’ve been such a shit to you.” That had Lucy’s eyes finally darting up to meet Lizzie’s, widened at the sudden, wholly unexpected apology. Lizzie had a cigarette clutched between her fingers, digits shifting against it anxiously. “I think that I just…got lost.”

Lucy’s lips parted, face pinching with confusion. “You don’t have to apologize…”

“Yes. I do.”

She shook her head. “I’m the one who’s been a selfish cunt. I should have left the moment he told me you were pregnant. You all could have been happy…”

Lizzie cast her a bewildered, sad look. “No, love, I don’t think we could have.”

“I can pack a bag. I can be gone before he even gets out of that meeting. Neither of you will ever see me again,” she offered, borderline frantic. Anything. Anything to alleviate the guilt that she felt for what she’d put Lizzie through. 

“Lucy…don’t you understand? He’s been distraught since you left. I think…I think he’ll die without you.”

Lucy sniffled, wiping at her nose with the back of her sleeve. “I’m offering you what you’ve always wanted, Lizzie. Just take it.” Put us both out of our misery.

“I don’t want you to leave.”

“No?”

“No. Maybe at one time, but…all it took was a few hours after you moved out for me to realize what a mistake it was. When I put those rules in place, I didn’t realize they would drive you out. I just thought you and him would spend more time at the apartment in London or the Midland. You two are hardly here much anyway.” Standing from the chair, she approached Lucy, moving to kneel on the floor in front of her so they were at eye level. Trouble made a noise that wasn’t quite a hiss, but was close. Lucy settled a hand on the top of her head, both to try to calm the cat and to quiet her own anxiousness. Lizzie took Lucy’s other hand. “I’ve missed you. The kids have missed you. Tommy’s an absolute nightmare to be around without you…don’t go. Don’t leave us again.”

Her breaths trembled in her lungs, tears building up against her lash line. “I feel like such a piece of shit all of the time, Lizzie. I feel like…like I stole him from you.”

“You didn’t.”

“Don’t act like you’ve never thought that.”

“Of course I have. Doesn’t mean it’s true.” Lizzie looked down. “He told me after the ballet that he’s not in love with me.” She let out a soft, bitter laugh and closed her eyes tight, letting out a hard, trembling breath. “And I suppose a part of me is still bitter. And angry. About all of it. And I think that part of me always will be. But…” she opened her eyes, and Lucy could see the resolution and resignation in them. “I think that it was what I needed to hear. Ever since that night, I haven’t felt like I’m…waiting around. Hoping for something that I may never get. I can move on now. I don’t intend to leave,” she clarified swiftly, “but I can just…focus on the children. On the house. And Tommy’s only…there. More a…friend or companion than a husband or lover,” she shrugged. “I figured that, after everything that’s happened, everything I’ve done for him, if he was going to fall in love with me, it would have happened by now.”

“I’m so sorry,” Lucy whispered miserably. Lizzie shook her head, smile sad, but also tranquil. 

“Don’t be. I have this,” a tilt of her head indicated the house. “I have my kids.” Her hand tightened around Lucy’s. “But he needs you, Lucy. So, you and I have to find a way to deal with each other. I’m tired of all the resentment between us. All of the bitterness. It’s very unprogressive.”

Lucy couldn’t contain her snort, eyebrow raising. “Are you really suggesting that we make a pact to get along in the name of feminism?”

Lizzie’s lips pressed together into a small smile. “More in the name of our shared sanity, really.” She looked down at their clasped hands. “We were friends once, weren’t we?” she asked in a softer voice. 

“I’d like to think so.”

“I miss that,” she looked out the window. Lucy tightened her fingers against hers.

“Me too.”   

 “I’m sorry for what I’ve put you through recently. It really wasn’t my intention to make either of you so unhappy. I can’t promise that I won’t get jealous. Or bitter sometimes. But I will do my best not to make it your problem anymore.”

“Thank you. I’m sorry too. Really.”

Lizzie swiped a finger across her knuckles. “Thank you.” Gingerly, her hand reached up to brush across the bandages still covering Lucy’s wrists. Trouble made a sharp hiss, half rising from her spot in Lucy’s lap. 

“You, hush,” Lucy chastised her, urging her to lay back down. “Be nice.”

Trouble looked at her with eyes that were extremely unimpressed, but laid her head back down against her thigh, little sides expanding with an overly dramatic sigh. Lizzie snorted, retracting her hand and tapping her cigarette into the ashtray on the coffee table beside her. “He loves you so much.” There was a glimmer of sorrow and longing in Lizzie’s eyes that made the guilt in Lucy’s chest twist. “Don’t take it for granted.” 

Dropping her eyes, she absentmindedly gave Trouble’s belly a few scratches when the cat rolled over for her. “I won’t.”

Unfolding herself from her position on the floor, Lizzie eased herself back into the armchair she’d been occupying previously. Placing her cigarette between her lips, she reached for the deck of cards resting on the table. 

“Do you want to play?” Lizzie asked, already starting to shuffle.

It had been a good while since she’d played cards with anyone. Something that used to be a regular occurrence. So many long nights in the Garrison had been passed by playing hand after hand with Tommy and his brothers, downing whiskeys and laughing around cigarettes. 

“Sure.”

Lizzie’s lips pulled into a smile, and she started dealing out the cards. 

They’d just finished up their first hand when Charlie and Ruby came wandering in, done with their lessons for the day. Cyril was right behind them, lumbering over to lay down next to Shadow. Ruby sat down on the floor beside the two dogs, while Charlie climbed onto the couch next to Lucy, crowding into her side. Lizzie dealt them in, and by the time Tommy returned after the next hand, they had a rather lively game going.

He stood there, watching them play with his hands stuffed into his pockets, smile tugging on the edges of his lips, eyes shining with fondness when Lucy’s gaze lifted to meet his. The expression on his face only softened further when their eyes met.

“Dad, are you gonna come play?” Charlie asked. With a chuckle, Tommy came over to sit on Lucy’s other side on the couch, taking his hand of cards from Lizzie. 

“Did everything go alright?” Lucy asked him in a quiet voice. He cast her a fond look, plucking his cigarette from his lips while his gaze shifted from her to examine the cards in his hand.

“Everything went fine.” He spoke lightly, nothing but ease in his eyes. Satisfied, she returned her attention back to playing her cards. Sometime during the game, his arm found its way around her shoulders. 

∗ ∗ ∗

“You don’t have to come. Not if you don’t feel up to it,” Tommy told her later, when they were lying in bed with her head on his chest and his arms around her, the dark and quiet surrounding them. 

“I can handle it. I’m mostly healed now, anyway.”

He was quiet for a stretch of time and she frowned, head shifting so she could squint up at him in the darkness. 

“Do you not want me to come?”

“It’s not that. It’s just…” he sighed, head tipping heavily against the pillows. “It’ll be dangerous.”

“So is nearly everything else that we do.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Mm,” she acknowledged with a hum. “I want to be there.” If something happened to him, and she wasn’t there, she would never forgive herself. And she would go insane sitting around, listening to the radio and waiting to hear if the assassination had been successful or not.

His arm adjusted around her, thumb stroking over her shoulder. “Alright. Just…do something for me, then?”

“What?”

“Stay close to me.”

She tilted her head. Under other circumstances she might have teased him for his overprotectiveness. But he was right when he said that this wasn’t like other circumstances. There was an awful lot that could go wrong. “Okay.”

He hummed, kissing the top of her head. “Thank you.”

His fingers stroked delicately against the scarred skin of her back. He pressed a few kisses to her neck, then settled there, body relaxing with a contented sound against her. 

“Love you, honey,” he mumbled sleepily.

She turned her head to kiss the hollow of his throat. “Love you too, Tommy.”

Previous Chapter • Series • Fic • Next Chapter

Thank you for reading! Please consider leaving a comment, reblog, or like. I always appreciate feedback and love getting the opportunity to interact with you and hear your thoughts!

[seaweed-water]

yes chef part two -> dying on the pass, 243k, series complete, explicit

alternate universe - human, alternate universe – celebrity, chef derek hale, food critic stiles stilinski, enemies to lovers, angst, fluff, smut, angst with a happy ending, hurt/comfort, alcohol abuse/alcoholism, addiction, light dom/sub, daddy kink, service kink, praise kink, top/bottom versatile derek hale/stiles stilinski, power bottom stiles stilinski, dom stiles stilinski, sub derek hale, derek hale is a good boy, stiles stilinski hates derek hale, derek hale loves stiles stilinski, fuckboy stiles stilinski, pining, jealous derek hale, pov alternating, fuck buddies, complicated relationships, this gets really messy, not what it looks like, codependency, unhealthy relationships, trauma, they are literally obsessed with each other, derek hale in panties, spanking, subspace, healing sex, dacryphilia, orgasm edging, pet names

[becauseplot]

90 Seconds to Midnight: An Ordem Paranormal AU Masterpost

Figured I should make one of these so I can keep track of my own posts lmao. Will be edited with new entries as they come but don't expect toooooo much content. Spoilers through OSNF finale and OPD 6. Asks are always open for the AU!

90 Seconds to Midnight is an AU where Thiago survives Santo Berço, but he doesn't quite escape the Symbol. After all, anything that is touched by Death cannot ever go back to the way it was. (Liz+Thiago-centric.)

FANFICS

Full fanfics that I (or others!) have written and posted in regards to this AU. All main links eventually lead to Ao3, if an Ao3 version of them exists.

Still Feel (Original fic where I made up the basic premise of how Thiago survives Santo Berço. This was written BEFORE I decided to make the AU angsty lol. You can definitely read this as standalone and pretend the rest of the AU's storyline doesn't exist.)

Unusual (A fic about the uncanniness of Liz and Thiago's growing comfort with each other. Codependency? Shared trauma? Paranormal influence? It's impossible to say. Featuring a fun new concept: Platonic Cuddling (But Evil))

almost midnight by rabbit-harpist (A fic written by a friend of mine who is also crazy about Liz and Thiago. Very good writing with amazing atmosphere! Explores Liz's side of their downward spiral as things start to slip.)

The Event Horizon (A fic written exploring a scene touched on Post 5 (see Tumblr Posts below). Many months after the burning of Santo Berço, as the Symbol is pulling apart what remains of his mind, Thiago follows Liz to the New Dawn Apartments in the hopes of saving her from herself.)

MORTE (One-off I wrote for Inktordem. Towards the end of the AU's storyline. One of my reblogs on the original tumblr post has extra meta info about it, but the explanation contains spoilers for OPD 19, so be warned!)

MY TUMBLR POSTS

Posts where I've written/rambled/drawn things that happen in the AU: setting, what the characters are going through, major plot points, etc. They're listed in the order I posted them and not necessarily in chronological order story-wise.

Post 1 (Self-indulgent rambles and Liz and Thiago's living situation. Secret-third-thing Liz+Thiago my beloved.)

Post 2 (First explanation of how Thiago's situation starts to take a turn for the worse.)

Post 3 (How Thiago initially tries to cope with the nightmares.)

Post 4 (Toying with ideas concerning Thiago and Liz's entwined decent.)

Post 5 (Ending of the AU's storyline.)

Post 6 (Epilogue!)

Post 7 (The entanglement of their love, their trauma, and paranormal influence.)

Post 8 (Liz's nightmares. Can't believe I haven't talked about Liz's nightmares yet.)

Post 9 (Some art about Thiago's sinking feeling of running out of time, inspired by the song All the Time in the World by Kiltro)

MY TAGGED POSTS

These are posts I've reblogged that I think fit with the "vibe" of the AU. Consider this list something like a deconstructed web weave.

Post A (Textpost)

Post B (Textpost)

Post C (Gifset) (God it's so pretty)

Post D (Song lyrics)

Post E (Textpost ft. my buddy calling me out)

OTHER STUFF

Some wonderful art made by the lovely @rabbit-harpist! Please go look at this it's amazing it's incredible I love it so so much.

HEY LOOK AT THAT I MADE A SPOTIFY PLAYLIST :D

[v8mpvrse]

saw and edit of buck and t*mmy with Jealousy Jealousy by olivia rodrigo and lowkey…..makes sm sense bc the entire time tommy was trying to get with eddie (the trips, the basketball etc etc after knowing eddie what two days? less?) then he goes to bucks (i think to apologize for whatever he did bc since he’s yk trying to get with eddie he CANNOT have eddies codependent bsf hate him or his chances are gone ykwim 😭) then he gets with buck and now he’s getting laid while also being able to hang out with eddie and not cause suspicion yk like ‘oh look how chill tommy is with the BuckAndEddie thing’ ENTIRE TIME HIS ASS WANTS TO B E BUCK AND BE W I T H EDDIE.

and now with gerrard being buddy buddy with buck (against his will god pls free evan buckley jfc) and buck saying yes bc of the fucked up guilt thing…..timtam over there might not take this so well……

either way point is tommy never wanted buck and dude. with bucks traumas and dating history THIS WILL HIT HIM BAD DR.COPELAND PLS PULL UP LORD JESUS like we saw with taylor even if his partner isnt liked by his circle or hurt buck in some way or is just a shitty person buck will ALWAYS feel hurt bc that’s who buck is he LOVES HARD he loves with his everything and to be a consolation prize? to be lied to? to not be someone buck can trust?…..we’ve seen this film before and me and eddie have the popcorn ready as well as ice cream and tissues

[sweetcloverheart]

You know, thinking about it some more, by "Derision"'s own premise - Marinette should have absolutely hated (or at least distrusted) Adrien day one regardless of the Umbrella apology, because him being friends with Chloe would have been the major issue/deal breaker. The moment she hears he's Chloe's childhood friend, she would have been doing utmost to avoid him at every turn despite him being so nice to her (After all, Kim was nice to her too, and look what happened there) because all the apparent deepseated trauma Chloe's prank left her.

Also, by extension, the class would have distrusted him too (and Kim maybe)? This is a dude that's apparently besties with the girl who's been harassing them for years and made their beloved favorite classmate go through a super traumatizing event the year before. A good majority of Adrien's first few months at Francois Dupount should have been the miraclass all avoiding him and playing interference whenever he tried to interact with Marinette, with the only minor exceptions being Nino (Who is the goodest of boys and also wasn't in the same class as Mari and Co when it happened but really should know regardless considering Chloe videotaped it and put it online?), Alya (Who just transferred in and likely wouldn't know what's happening either), and Chloe+Sabrina (The former of whom is more than happy that the losers are keeping away from her precious Adrichou! More of him for her then!). (And maybe also Kim? He probably sees it as Adrien going through what he did after the prank and deciding to buddy up/help him out since "nobody here knows how to take a joke")

Meanwhile, Adrien would feel so confused and isolated because his class all just hates him for some reason and he has no clue what he might of did to make them all mad at him? And it just makes school feel like home except 100 times worst because at least he (thinks he) knows why his dad often ignores and avoids him. And speaking of, he can't go to him about the problem because he'll just use the class's actions as an excuse to lock him back up in the manor for homeschool because it just "proves" he was completely right about Adrien not being safe at public school, and Chloe's no good either because her "help" (i.e Calling daddy or the principal to take away a class privilege or get a trip/activity cancelled those mean losers made her precious Adrien sad - so fix it or else!) ends up just worsening the divide, so he's basically on his own except for Plagg (who sadly can't really intervene in a way that would actually solve the issue). It also ends up funneling into making his crush on Ladybug 220% more codependent because it's literally one of the very few relationships he has where he isn't being treated like a leaper, idol, or a nuisance...except it turns out she also hates Adrien - but that's fine, because Chat Noir hates Adrien too! Dude's just the worst, don't you think my lady? So everything fine because they can hate Adrien together and bond through that (self hatred and poor coping mechanisms go brrr~)!

Basically the first 2 and a half seasons should have played out like an "Enemies!AU" where Marinette and most of the Miraclass is convinced Adrien is Chloe's new vice chief bully and act accordingly as Adrien desperately tries (and fails) to make friends and figure out why everyone dislikes him so much, while the Ladynoir side has the two bonding over how much they hate that lame blonde modeling twink from the magazines.

...Ah crap, now I want to make an AU.

[marc--chilton]

alison absolutely divorces the fuck out of lawrence but could you imagine if they didn't. but lawrence and adam were still super codependent after the Bathroom (and also adam lives. obviously. delusion) so he's just Also There. imagine the hijinks.

ah yes. me. my husband. and his five and a half foot tall codependent trauma buddy

[theonceandfuturequeenoftarts]

Happy anniversary, VII

I cannot believe it's been a whole year since I posted VII. I wrote and posted it at a pretty dark time for me, and figured it'd be a weird little oneshot that some people might like but would ultimately just kind of. exist.

That is not what happened. I'm still overwhelmed by the response it got. To the folks who loved it and left such wonderful comments, you will never know how much that mattered to me -- and still matters to me. And to everyone who has shared their love for the sequel or helped build that world with me, thank you all so, so much. It's been so fun and such a thrill to see your reactions and your support for my codependent trauma buddies.

I was really hoping to have a new chapter of A long, hard road to post today, but the brain is just not braining right now. Fingers crossed for March 19 (the anniversary of ALHR)!

If you haven't read VII/ALHR, you can read them here: Your legs give way, you hit the ground

I cursed my readers with this snippet, so now Tumblr gets cursed too. (If you haven't read any of it yet, this is not indicative of the fic whatsoever):

Maybe-canon-but-probably-not omake: Because no one has any chill whatsoever “Okay, so you think it’s romantic that he would, like, literally sew you two together if he could. We’re going to ignore how weird that is for the moment.” “Ronald…” “But mate, he’s a giant, skeletal snake-man. You can’t honestly say you find him attractive.” Harry mutters something under his breath that sounds a little too much like, “Oh, can’t I?” for his friends’ tastes. “Is this some problematic holdover of your infatuation with the diary horcrux?” Hermione asks as Harry sputters and turns bright red. “No!” he shouts. And, after a suspicious delay, “And I wasn’t ‘infatuated’ with the diary!” Ron and Hermione both give him a look at that. Traitors. “Psychologists would fight to the death for the chance to sort through all your issues, Harry.” “Sy-ko-wha?” “Good to know if I ever decide to hold gladiatorial contests,” Harry says dryly. The topic of conversation dies out for a couple minutes before Ron turns back to Harry and looks him dead in the eye. “So, given the chance – you would bang the snake-man?” Hermione puts her head in her hands and regrets several life choices. Harry sighs. “Like a screen door in a hurricane.” Ron chokes on air.  “Harry!” “He asked!”

[deadinsidedressage]

The absolute worst and ironically best turn of events happened to me in 2022 when my abuser started cheating on me. After investing a decade into molding me into the ideal victim who would never speak against him, he got bored with it. I didn't fight back anymore. I absorbed daily verbal attacks. The random violence he would perpetrate didn't spark a reaction. I would just accept it. I was numb. I was walled off. I had internalized the abuse so much and my depression fed into it.

He wanted to get caught. He didn't hide it at all and he let my paranoia over not being good enough (which he practically had told me daily for years) build and build until I was questioning him. He would reassure me he wasn't cheating and I think the way I was constantly anxious was fun for him. Then he essentially left hard evidence out so I'd find it. He wanted to break me and he did.

My multiple, rapid fire suicide attempts after finding out were largely due to the state of psychosis I was in. My 10 day stay in a psych facility did nothing to assist with my psychosis. It then persisted with varying amounts of lucidity for the next month, month and half that my abuser maintained contact with me after I was released into the care of my parents.

In a lot of ways, psychosis is a lot easier to live with than high reactivity PTSD. My path to mental health management post spousal abandonment in a psych facility has had greater volatility than the crypto market. Compulsive hypersexuality as a near impossible to control symptom of my PTSD was actively tearing my life apart at points. What I didn't expect as much was the transference of reactivity onto hobbies, places, and even people that were a major part of my life pre-psychosis.

I dated someone, who retrospectively a totally sane me would've only been friends with, for about a year and he introduced me to psilocybin. Which is something I have gained a tremendous amount of healing from. I dated someone, who retrospectively I just should've been fuck buddies with, for about 6 months who inadvertently helped me break my codependence. I met another abusive narcissist who love-bombed me and then dropped me when he decided to find another girl to cheat on his fiancée with. Which definitely launched me into a short period of psychosis and a longer period of out of control hypersexual compulsions, but which I didn't take lying down and did in fact do my best to ruin his life by contacting the "ex-girlfriend I'm roommates with" aka, fiancée.

You find out who you have real long-term compatibility with in quite a jarring way when you are at times going completely off the rails as a former abuse victim trying to restart their life. Some friendships go by the wayside as you unlearn personality mirroring and people discover they don't have as much in common with you. Others go down in flames mired by an inability to reconcile with the way severe trauma does not create a healthy person. New friendships emerge as you discover there exist people who resonate with those parts of your personality you thought were unlikeable, unlovable.

This time last year, I was about to experience a relapse of sorts. I got wrapped up with another abuser and the way that would end was far too familiar. I felt like I was reliving the night I was taken to the psych facility when I learned the truth of who that person was. I became suicidal and in trying to prevent myself from acting on that and take care of myself, I lost my job. A job I'd held for about a year and had really enjoyed.

At full speed, I went crashing into compulsive behaviors I knew would destroy me. I was sexually assaulted. I was cultivating a full "social calendar" and using sex to numb myself. I felt like it was all I had to offer anyway.

My low point was also miraculously how I met my other half. I was laying in the bed, well floor mattress, of a two strike violent felon. In the unfinished basement of his NA sponsor's house while he was on the phone with his drunk alcoholic ex-girlfriend. I opened Tinder and started swiping.

I had no idea the sad looking Navy boy I matched with would make me feel like I had reunited with the missing part of my soul. We married within 10 days of meeting, but kept that a secret for about a month after he'd left for his homeport.

For the first 18 year of my life, the thing that kept me alive was horses. During the decade I suffered physical, verbal, emotional, and sexual abuse it was my involvement with horses that kept me sane. Realizing I had to give up that part of who I was in order to start my new life has been incredibly painful. I don't know who I am without horses. I don't know how to keep my mental health in check without horses. I feel such immense guilt over failing to hold on to my dream horse and give her the life I imagined I could. I breakdown and I cry over the loss of Mia, the struggles but ultimately joy I found in Chevy, and just the compounding list of reasons Mitzy and I weren't ever meant to be.

The thing is, I would and will sacrifice anything for that sad looking Navy boy who turned out to be the most beautiful thing that's ever happened to me. The sweet southern gentleman who risked pneumonia while I drug him through every inch of my local zoo and had the courage to tell me about all the worst parts of himself without knowing if I'd accept them. The man I describe to our friends as "me but with a penis" who in turn reminds everyone I'm just "him with a vagina".

I know I haven't permanently closed the chapter of my life as an equestrian. I know because my husband reminds me when I'm breaking down in the shower about how lost I feel without horses that being without them is temporary. It's painful to be without something that I've felt has so defined me and that has been so instrumental in how I've managed my mental health.

Learning to navigate life as a military spouse, living so far from my family and my best friends (who so graciously kept my marriage a secret until I was ready to announce it), figuring out how to survive underways and an eventual deployment sucks so much ass now.

This period of feeling lost will pass.

One day I will again be popping over logs, hacking bareback, bemoaning the parts of a dressage test I'm struggling with, going foxhunting, midfielding in polocrosse, riding aside, and considering 3ft to be a big jump with a non-conventionally bred horse I love for its willingness to try anything with me.

[milkyetoile]

after this great post by @thesherrinfordfacility about Crowley and Aziraphale’s domestic, it got me thinking about the beautiful contrast between the relationships shown in season 2. it was such a great juxtaposition, a chiaroscuro in writing that seriously left me in awe and ruin, not just from what happened but for how the relationships were laid out in writing.

so here’s an essay on the romance in S2, written by your local arospec lesbian

Gabriel/Beelzebub

essentially, I think this was the “ideal” romance. two beings who were in high positions on opposite sides, having secret meetings to complain about their sides and then falling in love to Buddy Holly’s Everyday…there was an understanding at every meeting that they probably wouldn’t have reasons to meet anymore after they agreed, but they kept meeting anyway. they fell in love in the process until Gabriel placed his memories in the fly that Beelzebub gave him, after getting in trouble for not wanting to continue with armageddon't. and when the whole mystery was solved, they immediately agreed that they just wanted to be together and they did do that. they go off to Alpha Centauri to live happily ever after and both Heaven and Hell will probably leave them alone (probably).

I say it’s ideal because it’s like a movie or book romance. two people meet, get to know each other and fall in love, then conflict!! but once it’s resolved, they get together with a sappy ending. to be clear, I have 0 complaints with this, I’ve shipped them since s1 and they were cute in s2…but I also love how it was set up like the kind of romance both Aziraphale and Crowley were visualizing previously.

Nina/Maggie

this relationship was more realistic and healthier. Nina was in a horrible relationship with an emotionally manipulative partner (kinda parallel to Aziraphale’s experience with Heaven) and Maggie’s a disaster lesbian smitten with her. Maggie tries to make a move on Nina then finds out that Nina already has a partner, then Nina’s partner breaks up with her. then our two favorite idiots try to meddle and matchmake her with Maggie for the sake of the ruse. things go pear-shaped with them getting involved because Maggie wanted to help Aziraphale. but once everything’s done, Maggie and Nina actually talk about things and agreed not to start a relationship because Nina wanted to heal first after her breakup. and they agreed that after that, if Maggie was still interested (which she swore she would be), then they would try.

it was more realistic because they’re humans like us. part of what makes humans such pivotal parts of the story is that we have shorter lifespans that result in an “urgency” in comparison to the non-humans. striving for success, loving people–being on essentially a time limit motivates us to be a lot more direct and straightforward when the situation calls for it. humans have to grow to get what they want. and so, Maggie and Nina, as mature adults, decide to communicate properly and it ends with them not being together yet but having an understanding and being on the same page–a better foundation for romance than what Aziraphale and Crowley imagined for them.

Aziraphale/Crowley

this is the complicated, messy relationship with a generous heaping of unhealthy codependency and unresolved trauma. the slowest of burns, 6,000 years of knowing each other, and yet neither of them really talk. they’ve made some progress since armaggenah. they’ve both been more open in comparison to S1, they have been trying. but 6,000 years of dealing with their individual trauma plus being on opposite sides and needing layers of subterfuge and denial to even have a semblance of friendship…on top of that were the events of arma-fucking-geddon and the aftermath (which included COVID among other things, mind you)–4 or 5 years in comparison is nothing. they were just adjusting and getting comfortable in the new status quo…cranking up the engine, so to say. throughout s2, they both made assumptions about each other. they both clearly talk about wanting to be together but they had different ideas of how that would look like. they were on the same page for a mere sentence then ended up on different books altogether, so to say.

anyway, I’m losing my point bc it’s 5 am here and I’m finally getting sleepy…but it took them a time limit of the apocawhoops for their relationship to progress significantly. and another catastrophe plus a literal intervention from Maggie and Nina for further progress. then, when they’re finally completely honest about what they want between the two of them, it’s when they have two opposing ideas. and those said ideas tie back to their individual trauma and fundamental parts of their characters…honestly, as much as I’d love for them to end up together, they need time apart to grow, Heaven’s interference notwithstanding (looking at you, Metatron). ironically, Aziraphale says, “nothing lasts forever” yet their idea of forever is much longer than humans’ and that resulted in stagnation.

truthfully, I think this was also quite realistic. some relationships don’t work out due to various factors. you could find the person you’d be most compatible with in the world and still end up separating if you’re not emotionally ready. love is incredibly complicated and messy.

Final thoughts:

the ending of this season fucking hurts but honestly, I loved it. I personally love these kinds of stories. and the direction of those final scenes was just…*chef’s kiss*

I’ve rewatched that last scene with them at least 5 times already. am I a masochist? probably lol but seeing their minute expressions really digs in the knife more and I love it.

special mention to Michael Sheen’s acting during and after the kiss, like make it hurt more, why don’t you??

I really loved the juxtaposition and parallels between these relationships. beautifully done, I wish I could write like that. I didn’t think I could respect the phenomenal writers more but here we are.

if you need me, I will be spending the next few days rewatching S2 and reading and possibly writing fanfiction. we'll see.

[drarryandtomarryfanfics]

(Random) Must Read Drarry & Tomarry Fanfics

i know ive no excuse as to why it’s been so long since i last post – i was busy with life yknow & at some point i thought that my Drarry/Tomarry time was done but noooo – these knuckleheads just dont want to leave me alone, no matter what fandom ive joined – Drarry/Tomarry fandom would always be my safespace & comfort space & i would always come back home to them SO im back & hopefully may be of service again – so my fellow drarry/tomarry lovers heres some random drarry&tomarry fics that certainly help me get back to reading ! enjoy lovelies ♡

drarry fics :

Running on Air by eleventy7

Platform : AO3

Tags : Alternate Universe – Canon Divergence, Broken Draco Malfoy, Broken Harry Potter, Angst, So much Angst, Involvement of Time-Turners, Time-traveling Gone Wrong, Draco Malfoy needs a Hug, Harry Potter needs a Hug, Quidditch Superstar Ginny Weasley, Mystery, Drama, Friendship, Slow Burn, Romance, etc.

( Rated T, 74,880 words, multichapter, completed )

Draco Malfoy has been missing for three years. Harry is assigned the cold case and finds himself slowly falling in love with the memories he collects.

THIS IS A MASTERPIECE & IT’S UR LOST IF U STILL HAVEN’T READ IT BECAUSE IT’S SUPERB. THIS FIC GIVES U THE FEELS & ARGH JUST READ THE DAMN THING !!!

The Body Keeps Score by Anonymous

Platform : AO3

Tags : Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Angst and Porn, Porn with Feelings, Mutual Pining, enemies to fuck buddies to lovers, sorta - Freeform, more like, enemies to fuck buddies to friends to lovers, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Trauma, Healing, Boundaries, Falling In Love, Touch, exploring the parameters of consent, Drarry being Drarry, etc.

( Rated E, 13,571 words, oneshot, completed )

Draco cries during sex.

A story about touch, intimacy, and the healing we find through mutual trust and love.

✨feels✨

Worth Losing Sleep Over by MelCalder

Platform : AO3

Tags : Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, PWP, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alpha/Omega, Alpha Draco Malfoy, Omega Harry Potter, Hogwarts Eighth Year, Self-Lubrication, Anal Sex, Anal Fingering, First Time, Loss of Virginity, Knotting, Scared Harry, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Mildly Dubious Consent, Smut, Humor, Fluff and Smut, Hurt/Comfort, kind of, A Pinch of Angst, etc.

( Rated E, 9,491 words, oneshot, completed )

Draco is kind of exhausted, but some things are worth losing sleep over. And study time.

It’s been so long since ive last read abo trope featuring our boys & well, i want more.

One Day’s Difference by MelCalder

Platform : AO3

Tags : Fluff, Established Relationship, non-graphic birth, Pregnant Draco Malfoy, Midwife Luna Lovegood, Vaginal Birth, Draco Malfoy has an artificial vagina, Smitten Harry Potter, Eccentric Draco Malfoy, etc.

( Rated E, 10,307 words, oneshot, completed )

Draco’s sacrifices his god-given body and has (mostly) no regrets.

if u want to read realistic depiction of a pregnant (mpreg) Draco then fucking read this shit

tommary fics :

Holly & Yew by LovelyLotus

Platform : AO3

Tags : Childhood Friends, Magically Powerful Harry Potter, Eventual Healer Harry Potter, Wool's Orphanage (Harry Potter), Smart Harry Potter, Possessive Tom Riddle, Child Abuse, Master of Death Harry Potter, Historical Inaccuracy, Time Travel, Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Growing Up Together, Possessive Behavior, Smitten Tom Riddle, Parseltongue, Soul Bond, Codependency, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Harry is bad at eating because the Dursleys suck, 1930s, 1940s, World War II, Future Power Couple in the Making, Self-Harm, They are besotted with each other, Animal Death, Slow burn but very Tom and Harry centric, minor necromancy, Tom Riddle Loves Harry Potter, Harry Potter Loves Tom Riddle, Childhood Sweethearts, Harry Potter & Tom Riddle Attend Hogwarts Together, Ambiguous Romantic Relationships, Their relationship will be pretty lovey-dovey from the start, Oblivious Harry Potter, Unhealthy Relationships, First Year: Complete, Second Year: Complete, Homophobia, etc.

( Rated M, 214,621 words, multi-chaptered, ongoing )

After a bout of accidental magic when Harry is six, Vernon goes too far. When Harry wakes up, he is gravely wounded and more than fifty years in the past in another world. After some shuffling, Harry ends up at Wool's. There, he meets Tom Riddle, his mysterious roommate, eventual best friend, and the love of his life.

Inspired by a doctor he meets in the past, Harry is determined to go into medicine and protect other children like himself and Tom. Tom has his own dream of becoming Prime Minister. The boys quickly become inseparable and are determined to help each other down their paths to build a life together.

He wanted Harry. He had never coveted anyone this much.

Tom understood now that some part of him had never given up on having a… friend. Someone who understood him more than anyone else. Someone who would always take his side.

In a flash, he knew he would do anything to have Harry Faye’s loyalty.

this is a widely known fic nowadays, ive seen it being on the top recommendation list on many platform.. & it’s totally worth the hype 🖤

to have and to hold by partakeninwitchery

Platform : AO3

Tags : Auror Harry Potter, Minister for Magic Tom Riddle, Established Relationship, Domestic Fluff, at least i think it is, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Obscurials (Harry Potter), only mentioned you don't meet her, Sane Tom Riddle, as sane as he can be anyway, harry too tbh, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, No Boy-Who-Lived (Harry Potter), Alternate Universe - No Voldemort, tom could've tho, etc.

( Rated ?, 2,531 words, oneshot, completed )

“Everything alright, Harry?” Tom said, walking into the kitchen.

Harry froze where he was bringing the cup of hot tea to his lips, he’d thought Tom would be at work until late. He slowly put the mug back down, gritting his teeth through the twinges of pain moving his arm caused. He could only hope his husband didn’t recognise the faint smell of a pain potion mixed in his tea.

just tom being overprotective over harry – nothing to take seriously, except tom took everything to personal matters (hahahaha)

The Darkening of Your Soul by Maeglin_Yedi

Platform : AO3

Tags : Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Time Travel, Time Travel Fix-It, Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Do-Over, Fix-It, Fix-It of Sorts, Eventual Smut, Eventual Happy Ending, Master of Death Harry Potter, Bottom Harry, Morally Grey Harry Potter, Consensual Underage Sex, eventually, Sane Tom Riddle, Possessive Tom Riddle, Top Tom Riddle, Idiots in Love, Harry Potter is a Horcrux, Harry Potter is So Done, Harry Potter is a Brat, Harry Potter is Bad at Feelings, BAMF Neville Longbottom, Neville Longbottom is a Good Friend, Manipulative Albus Dumbledore, Misguided Albus Dumbledore, Angst and Humor, Maybe some character bashing, Slytherin Harry Potter, Good Slytherins, Slytherins Being Slytherins, Oblivious Harry Potter, Sane Voldemort, Somewhat Good Voldemort, Harry Potter is the Heir to the House of Black, POV Harry Potter, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Mental Health Issues, Past Child Abuse, etc.

( Rated M, 260,497 words, multi-chaptered, ongoing )

Harry is betrayed. Harry gets a second chance to do it all over again.

There is just one catch. If Harry gets to keep his memories from his previous life, so does Voldemort.

THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST AMAZING TOMARRY FICS I’VE EVER READ HANDSDOWN ! like it gives u hindsight & how butterfly effects works & so on ! this fic deserves all the attention it gets really ! Oh, & tommy boy has blue eyes in here – that wasn't s crucial information but i can’t stop thinking abt that

[yannaryartside]

I want Carmy to have a best friend.

Besides Sydney.

I have been trying to find this gif, but there is a moment in 2x08 when Carmy is talking to Sydney about where to buy some product. He mentioned, "Yeah, my buddy from high school, he is running an Ibero account," and I went: "bitch you lying. Weren't you a total loner in high school?" he probably just wanted to sound better than say, "yeah this guy I know from high school" maybe to pretend to be more "normal." There are multiple scenes that could be evidence of Carmen having not friends at all growing up, not closed ones anyway:

In 1x04, when Cicero is describing his friendship with Carmy's dad, Cicero says, "We had the same problems at the same age, so we had a lot to talk about," and Carmy says, "That sounds nice," like he had never had a person like that in his life. In 2x05, Carmy says, "You always had so many friends, I don't know, I really wanted that." There is a pause here, his eyes moving because it's a big confession, before trying to continue the conversation and saying, "Mickey had that," to top it all, he mentions in his monologue that he thought Mickey was his best friend. After all, Mickey is the one person who knew him best, despite how little Carmy knew about Mickey. Here is the thing: Carmy still doesn't have any friends. Richie is not a friend. He is more like an older brother, somebody that can scold him. They are not equals. Most of the figures in Carmy's life are authority figures/relatives.

You may argue that Sydney is his friend, and she is, but he hasn't referred to her as his "partner" (business) yet, and I think there may be something behind it. His trauma dumps on her; he shares a passion for cooking with her, but they are not there yet on the emotional stuff. I know they are going to star calling each other friend, or best friend, in future seasons as their relationship grows, but I do not want that responsibility to rely completely on Sydney's shoulder; she is going to be "his person," but I think it may be healthy for Carmy to get a friend that he can talk to besides her, maybe somebody that he can relate to in the things he cannot relate to Sydney. So he can get perspective on things, and find confidence in his value as a "friend" or learn to be a good friend to begin with, to trust deeply on someone. On that note, while consuming fiction, people get this feeling when they see a loner/isolated archetype fall in love with their best friend because he is the "only person who gets them," like some codependency stuff. This will not be the case for Syd and Carmy because he was attracted to her even before they started to connect.

I think Marcus and Carmy don't have that chemistry yet; if there was a chance of them becoming more friends than acquaintances, it would have shown already. This was one of the reasons I was excited to see the new staff, to see if Carmy could get a friend that way. I honestly want Sydney to get some friends too. We don't know much about the staff yet, and there is a position open since they fired that guy.

So here is my wish list: I want somebody Carmy can think of as an equal (not necessarily in the cooking world), but somebody of the same age and preferably with similar issues. Maybe somebody who has tragically lost a dear one or somebody who is in the program (not an addict, that probably would not work, but somebody from a family of addicts). And I want them to have similar interests, like fashion, art, and other stuff. This comes from a person who was really depressed in high school and only started to recognize my own destructive patterns when, one summer, I met my best friend, who was also very wounded and depressed. I had an abusive father, and her classmates harassed her. You see my point here. We held each other through some very dark times. I want that for Carmy, especially when his relationship with Richie (and maybe Sydney) is complicated in what could be arguably the darkest moment in Carmy's life. "The more people I cut out, the quieter my life got," I think he is going there again. That being said, can I suggest somebody? (this is totally a fanfic scenario that I am starting to write to fight writer's block, but here we go).

Listen to me, I know. You don't have to tell me to get over this man. I am currently re-reading Six of Crows as I do once a year.

But here is the idea of the fic. This is Nikola. He is from a russian family (politically persecuted refugees back in the '80s). Ten months before the time of the series, Nikola's father killed somebody in a liquor-induced rage, the victim being the man Nikola's mother was having an affair with. How did the father figure it out? Nikola told him, hoping they could divorce and his father could live with dignity. To make matters worse, Nikola is a lawyer, but after trying to represent his dad, he has a sense of guilt related to his profession, for reasons I explain on the fic. So he tries a new career trying to figure out who he is after this mess, running away from all ot it, and he decides to be a cook, he gets good at the quick stuff (a comi) and the first scene is Carmy hiring him personally (because he wanted to give Sydney a break). Nikola's nickname is "Fox," he is quiet for the most part, serious, and looks perpetually confused and amused by Richie and Fak's shenanigans. Carmy and Nikola start talking about the program for families of alchoholics, and because of Carmy, Nikola goes to his first meeting.

Let me know what you think.